I've been trying to reach you.

(But your extension cord wouldn't reach that far)

I wish I could teleport.

I really, really do.

It would make life so much more convenient.

Sheamus said when I'm rich, he'd be my pilot.

<3

*poof*

Still can't teleport.

:(

I don't know what to do any more.

One, two, and three.
What to do?
How to handle the situations?
Who to choose?

Triangles are such dangerous shapes.
Pointy on all three ends.
Someone is BOUND to get hurt.
:/

I need to vent.

I'm in a situation.
And it's a bit tricky.
And I have no idea how to handle it.
Because A) I don't even know if Person A is just kidding and B) I've never dealt with this scenario before.
Um, I don't know who I can explain this to.
Honestly, I'm so freaking confused at the moment.
Also.
I'm like, the most open minded person, ever.
Okay, not really, because some things I draw boundaries on.
Like age.
I don't care if one person is a few years older.
I have quite a few friends who are dating people aged 23-25ish.
And that doesn't bother me.
What does bother me, though, is when I, or anyone else my age for that matter, get hit on by some old guy.
Like older than my daddy, freaking me the fuck out old.
It's just so creepy.
I can't deal with it.
But then the issue of me being too nice often gets in the way of me yelling at said creepy person.
Though, I really, REALLY would love to yell at them.
I mean, srsly.
What if they have kids my age?
That. Is. Disturbing.
And, okay, some people are all, "Oh, but you're eighteen now, so it doesn't matter any more. It's legal.."
That is the worst fucking excuse I've EVER heard of.
Just. Ugh.

And the scenario I was being abnormally vague about at the beginning has absolutely NOTHING to do with age, hah.
I do not have some weird crush on some old creeper.
Not at ALL.
Ugh, I'm weird, but fucking Christ.
I'm not that messed up.
It's just..a really complicated thing.
Or, it's really not.
The situation itself is nothing complicated.
But the situations STEMMED from the scenario can be quite messed up.
And I don't know how to weave through all the delicate webs it will create.
I have no idea how to handle the situation.
I'm going to disappoint someone either way.
Granted, I don't think it's anything worth getting upset over.
But..it has a lot to do with WHERE I live/where I was raised.
And the people I grew up around.
I feel like a jerk.
Because I don't feel like it's wrong, but I know it's something kinda controversial.
And, just ugh.
I'll find someone to explain it to.
Because if you really don't know me, then you won't get it.
And I just can't be bothered trying to explain.
Especially on here.
Considering I don't even think anyone reads this, hah.
Or, if anyone does, I don't know they do.

Bahhhh, no me gusta.
Doesn't help that I read an old message from May.
During a very BAD time in my life.
And just.
I think I need to like, walk or something.
I'm thinking too much.

Solitary moment.

This solitary moment makes me want to come back home.
It's not that I'm not having fun here, or that I'm not enjoying NOLA.
I am.
I really, really am.
But at the same time.
I really freaking miss my family and friends.
Like, hardcore miss them.
I've never been separated like this in my entire life.
Definitely not something you get used to super fast.
Unless you like, hate your family or friends, or whatever.
Which is so not the case for me.
Because I miss them.

I want my best friends.
I need my best friends.
<.3

Seriously.

I miss my friends.
I miss my family.
I miss my pets.
I miss football season.
I miss hugs.
I miss the beach.
I miss my bed.
I miss conversations with Courtney.
I miss going to the movies.
I miss the comfort.
I miss a paycheck every week.
(Once a month here. It blows.)

:(

National Type Out Your Thoughts Day.

Hmm, what's on my mind.
Well, here we go.
(in no order, mind you.)

-I really do not like packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking. It gets so tedious. And every time I unpack it seems there's another reason for me to pack up on the way. College, hurricanes, home, college.. It's getting crazy and I sincerely do not appreciate having to do it so many times.
-That being said, I miss my Gulf Shores friends. I think it's a lot harder this time because I had just started to get used to the idea of not having them around constantly, and despite the fact that it wasn't exactly a pleasant thought, it was better than it is now. I spent time with them this week and saying goodbye this time was way harder. Even if it didn't seem like I was upset or whatever, I really was. I miss them. Badly.
-My dog ran away while I was home. Harley. She was missing for four days and then, after my family had dropped me off at Loyola and made it home, she was in our front yard. I was really happy to know that she was found again, but definitely bummed that I didn't get to see her before I left.
-We're getting a new dog, too. His name is Blackie and he's a big 70-80lb dog. And he apparently doesn't like cats, but does like giving kisses and chasing horses in a completely harmless way. I didn't even get to see him, either.
-Speaking of not being able to get to see people, I didn't get to see Bree before I left, which was a definite bummer considering she's one of my dearest friends, ever, and I really wanted to see her. I almost wish I wouldn't have gone to the football game Friday, but then I wouldn't have seen Sam or Gen or everybody else there, and that would have sucked too. I can't ever seem to win in the friend department. I always feel like I have to choose one person over another for this reason or that reason. And I don't think it's fair. Because then some people get offended when I don't consider them my ONE best friend. But in all honesty? I don't really have one best friend. One best guy friend, sure, but not one best friend in general. And, the fact is, I don't even fully trust some of my best friends because, as much as I love them, they're very two-faced and it's hard to trust someone when you've seen them talking behind someone's back. I just..I dunno. It's hard to explain without coming off as a bitch, which isn't my intention at all.
-Okay, so. My roommate is kinda weird. I mean, she's nice enough. But. She's so..awkward, really. Like. The kind of person who makes jokes that really aren't funny and drags out stories to the point that you have idea what they're talking about anymore. That kinda thing. And she isn't social, at all. She has this boyfriend that she's been dating for nearly two years and always talks about him. Okay, not always, but ya know. I'm pretty sure thinks she's way prettier than she is, too. I'm not saying she's ugly, she's just more or less average looking. And when she was talking about going to her job tonight, she said she was so glad she found pants to wear because she thought the only bottoms she had left to wear was a mini skirt and walking down NOLA at night in a mini skirt just isn't smart and she gets weird looks when she walks down the street during the day so she can't even imagine what it would be like at night. That's how she talks, too, I swear. Overall, we get along fine, but she's not best friend material. I prefer my redheaded boys and eclectic girls.
-These dorm rooms are freaking cold. Like. I don't know what to do with myself because I can't just fix coldness, cold.
-So, I'm kinda lonely at Loyola. I've made friends and all, because I like to talk and socialize, so that's not the problem. It's just I don't know that I've particularly clicked with one group, ya know? Like. In high school, I had the group of friends that I had grown up. I had my band kids. I had the ones I met via CLC, hah. And, I mean, I pretty much got along with most people. It was never an issue. And you knew everyone, really. Not -knew- everyone, but at least pretty much knew of everyone. And here, I -know- Millie, Ashley, and Bree. And that's not to say we hang out, hah. Because they're partiers and I'm really just not. I prefer one-on-one hanging out with people. I feel like I would have met more people if I would have done something in music. Because my game losing trumpet player friend from Rhode Island (ha, not Gulf Shores. I know it sounds like Sam. But, seriously, they're very similiar.) that I had talked to prior to coming to Loyola..well, we don't really talk. At all. Because I don't ever see him considering he has all music classes and I have all pre-med classes in the ugly submarine building. I guess it'll all work out in time.
-I think my English teacher is great. He reminds me of an older Dixon. XD
-Gah, I just really wish everything would be just peachy and work out. In life in general. Not just for me, but for my family as well. It's just so...shitty right now. It doesn't seem fair. Not that I think life is fair. But, still.

Every fucking song.

What bothers me more than most things.
Is when I hear so many songs and I only think of one person.
I hate letting someone take over my thoughts like that.

I'm too tired to pretend that it doesn't hurt to be left out.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

If there's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that nothing is certain. There is no such thing as a certain future. Because just when you think things are going to go one way, they do a complete 360 and you find yourself facing the direction from which you just came from. Like, everything you had done up to that point was useless. Void. And it's heartbreaking. When you work so hard for something, someone just to have your plans blow up in your face. This year I've been through more shit than I ever have before. And I don't just mean with your typical teen angst. I mean, fear of losing the place I live, everything I knew, and having no idea how in the hell I was going to get out of the place I was stuck. I tried so hard to reach out to my closest friends in some desperate cry for help, but because I was so scared, so ashamed of what was happening, I ended up making things between friends awkward. And it was awful. The worst, lowest point in my life and I had never felt more alone. More like everyone was turning against me. I was convinced my best friends couldn't stand me anymore. And, to some extent, they really couldn't stand me as much as they had before. Too much. Too..clingy, I think. But. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know who else to cry to. My family was in the same situation as me. You can't seek help from those who have the same problems as you. Comfort, maybe. Solace, maybe. Help? No. Not at all. It just reminds you of everything you are going through. And makes you feel shitty for complaining when the people around you are going through the same, if not harder, thing as you. It's a humbling experience. Losing, or very nearly losing, everything you know. It hurts. But, I've learned my lessons since. All of my friendship issues of the past months have been resolved (thank goodness. I'd be a mess without them. I truly would.) and I've learned who I can depend on more than anyone in my life. I've had a brand new start in a brand new city at a brand new school. I've met people who have already make my move worthwhile. Friendships that have started that rival friendships home. Though, seriously, my best friends in Gulf Shores will remain my best friends in Gulf Shores. I just have some new, amazing friends in New Orleans. The diversity is refreshing. It's amazing to see how many different people thrive in one city compared to the same old same old that I grew up with. You meet people you never would have talked to before college. And find that you really enjoy their company. You meet people that would have immiediately been your friends in high school that test your every nerve in college. I can't say what makes the change. Maybe it's the unadultered freedom. Being able to do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want. Though, if I'm being honest, that's a bit scary, too. Not having someone there to remind you that, "Hey! The oven's hot, so don't touch it!" is a new experience, to say the least. Your entire life, your every fiber of who you are, who you thought you were, are tested. It's like going from catepillar to butterfly overnight. Things change. And change, whether you like it or not, is inevitable. So, embrace the change that comes your way. So maybe it will change your life. Let it. Maybe it's for the best. And if it's not? More change is coming, anyways. This year has been a hell of a ride. And despite the gutwrenching turns and the late night spent worrying and fretting over things I couldn't help anyways, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've learned more lessons. Made more friends. Learned what the meaning of trust is, and lost trust from people who I thought my world could revolve around. This year has made me more who I am than anything else had before. And if you don't like me? I'm learning that it's not so bad. That not everyone has to like me. I'm through of being everything for everyone. Sure, I've said that before, but this time it's holding true. I'm tearing down my rearview mirror and never looking back at what has happened. What I cannot change is much different than who I can change. I live my life now. And I couldn't be happier.

No Me Gustav

This is so fucking frustrating.
I'm finally getting settled into New Orleans.
And. I love it here. Lovelovelove.
I have made some amazing friends already.
I adore the girls on my floor.
And. My RA is so amazing and laidback.
My classes are great, the campus is gorgeous.
And then a fucking hurricane had to come.
Today, Friday, August 29th is the 3 year anniversary of Katrina.
People are flipping shit.
Mandatory evacuations are being put into effect.
I don't want to leave.
Now, don't get me wrong.
It's not that I don't miss my family (I do, I really do).
Or that I don't miss my friends.
But the thing is.
It's probably good for me to take a break from them.
More specifically, my friends.
As much as I love my best friends, I feel like things have changed.
Like, maybe I've changed. Maybe they have.
Sometimes, I think you have to take a break from people (Hmm, that sounds familiar. Except it's the other way around now.) to figure out if they're good for you.
I don't mean that they're 'bad' people.
Just, that maybe, it's good if I make new friends.
Because let's face it. People change.
Things happen that can't be controlled.
What's surprising to me is who I miss the most from Gulf Shores.
I miss two friends more than any others.
But. Probably not who most people would think.
I don't know what it means, per se.

I guess only time will tell.
Life is throwing curve balls at me.
And. Quite frankly, I love it.

Seems to stop my breath.

I'm so tired.
I haven't had an off day in a month.
I'm mentally, physically worn down.
And.

I just would really.
More than anything.
Like to talk to someone.
And.
I need a hug.


B
r
e
a
k
i
n
g

D
O
W
N

Hours turn to minutes and I'm seconds away.

I remember watching one part of Dawson's Creek years ago and someone was talking to Joey and said, "Your college friends will be the ones you grow closest to in your life. They're the ones you'll remember."
Please don't forget me.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good.

I hate being misunderstood. Mainly when I say something and someone takes it the complete wrong way. And I know that, to certain people, I cannot make someone understand the way I intended it to come across, the way I thought it did come across. I know we're in a horrible financial situation. I know stress levels are at an all time high. I know what's going on. I'm not naive. But. My family is always calling me selfish and disrespectful. Is it so hard to realize how stressed I just might be? I am constantly giving them my money. I'm constantly having to run everywhere and do things for them. I have to deal with complaints from Courtney and Haley and I have to keep gas in both cars so I can use whichever of them I need to in order to do whatever they want. I have to deal with my parent's complaints about how I'm just not good enough. It doesn't have as much affect when they tell me they're proud of everything I've done after they've just complained about everything I'm not good enough for. I'm trying my fucking hardest, you know? I'm a human, too. I'm not just the daughter or sister. I'm a person. They don't know what I've been through this year. They don't know that I nearly lost contact with the majority of my best friends. They don't know how many times suicide has crossed my mind and seemed like the better idea this year. They don't know how many nights I've cried myself asleep. They think they know so much about me. But I'm a person. And though I'd prefer to be a simple person, I'm very much complex. And I don't tell them everything because..families shouldn't know everything about each other. Just because I'm their child or sister doesn't give them the right to know everything about me. It's not even that I'm a bad kid, I just don't want everything about me to be known. There are thoughts and things that aren't meant for anyone to hear.
-sigh- If you read this, don't worry. I'm not depressed or whatever, I'm really not. It's just things like that bother me immensely. I just hate being misunderstood, that's all.

Doctor, doctor, give me some news.

Tonight while watching Young at Heart (which, for the record, is a brilliant movie that I definitely think you should see), my biggest fear about becoming a surgeon was confirmed once again. You see, I'm a sentimental person. I get attached to people, events, places, bands, fictional vampires..whatever, quite easily. Mainly people though. And I'm the type of person who cannot stand to see someone hurting, whether physical or emotional. And I've always known that, as a doctor, you cannot save everyone. People die and things happen. But. I cry over the deaths of people I don't even know when someone starts to talk about them. If they choke up, I'm done for. It breaks my heart. So, I guess there's always been a part of me that knows that being a doctor would definitely have its ups and downs. But. I don't honestly know if I'm a strong enough person to handle death on a daily basis. There's only so much a sentimental heart can take, you know? But, I guess the part of me that has always pushed towards the medical field is the part that knows there are some people I can save. That some lives can be fixed and that maybe the good will outweigh the bad. I mean, I cry when I watch characters on TV shows die or read about ones in books. And. I'm not even the person who could have saved them. They're not even real! So, how in the world am I going to handle when some little kid with cancer comes to me and I can't save them? How do I live with myself knowing they died under my control? And. If you believe in God, then there's always the, You Have A Set Path and What's Going Happen Will Happen. But. Maybe that's why I have such faltering faith. What kind of God would take away such innocent lives? Who could allow some of the complete shit for humans walk the earth when some of the most amazing people I have EVER known are currently buried in the ground? When I was little, I always thought God was perfect and wonderful. But as I got older and realized how depressing the world can truly be, my faith in anything started to dwindle. I want to be strong enough to be a doctor. More than anything, I do. But if my heart is smashed when I watch a movie and one of my favorite character dies, how could I possibly handle looking into the eyes of a parent, sibling, lover, whomever, and tell them someone they care about more than anything else is no longer alive? How can anyone?

x-rays

Something is special between us
caught between beaten up hearts and bleeding teeth
and I'm not too sure of where we're going to end up
but know that I will always hold you close...
under my ribs, inside of my skeleton
broken bones are like band-aids
and unspoken words are on my favorite cassettes..
all through the dark and washed away night.
Under my ribs there is a beat that hits me like a xylophone
and I don't know which way too look.
I will hold it against my chest and let the beat, hit me softly
all of my organs are labeled with letters
another persons initials
tokens of flesh
and you can have my heart if you would lend me your liver..
and her eyes were so distant, and her lips were so strange
but they resembled mine closely in the mirror
Under my ribs there is a beat that hits me like a xylophone
and I don't know which way too look.
I will hold it against my chest and let the beat, hit me softly
With the two of us safely, in a distance of inches,
I know I will always be home
I'll listen forever and it gets so much closer
but ideas are so much better, than facts
but always remember that I will hold you close
and keep holding myself back
we'll keep it a whisper, our love for our secret
we always knew all the words
And I always listened, and I smiled politely
and I never let go of our favorite songs..

Perpetual Motion

In a little while I'll be drifting up on an on-ramp,
sipping coffee from a styrofoam container,
checking my gas gauge with one eye
and twisting the dial of the radio
with the fingers of my third hand,
looking for a station I can steer to Saturn on.

It seems I have the traveling disease
again, an outbreak of that virus
celebrated by the cracked lips
of a thousand blues musicians - song
about a rooster and a traintrack,
a sunrise and a jug of cherry cherry wine.

It's the kind of perpetual confusion
that makes your loved ones into strangers,
that makes a highway look like a woman
with air conditioned arms. With a
bottomless cup of coffee for a mouth
and jewelry shaped like pay phone booths
dripping from her ears.

In a little while the radio will
almost have me convinced
that I am doing something romantic,
something to do with "freedom" and "becoming"
instead of fright and flight into
an anonymity so deep
it has no bottom,
only signs that tell you what direction
you are falling in: C H E Y E N N E, S E A T T L E,
W I C H I T A, D E T R O I T - Do you hear me,
do you feel me moving through?
With my foot upon the gas,
between the future and the past,
I am here -
here where the desire to vanish
is stronger than the desire to appear.

Note to self.

Dear Danyell,

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Love,
Your brain.