I'm just a soul whose intentions are good.

I hate being misunderstood. Mainly when I say something and someone takes it the complete wrong way. And I know that, to certain people, I cannot make someone understand the way I intended it to come across, the way I thought it did come across. I know we're in a horrible financial situation. I know stress levels are at an all time high. I know what's going on. I'm not naive. But. My family is always calling me selfish and disrespectful. Is it so hard to realize how stressed I just might be? I am constantly giving them my money. I'm constantly having to run everywhere and do things for them. I have to deal with complaints from Courtney and Haley and I have to keep gas in both cars so I can use whichever of them I need to in order to do whatever they want. I have to deal with my parent's complaints about how I'm just not good enough. It doesn't have as much affect when they tell me they're proud of everything I've done after they've just complained about everything I'm not good enough for. I'm trying my fucking hardest, you know? I'm a human, too. I'm not just the daughter or sister. I'm a person. They don't know what I've been through this year. They don't know that I nearly lost contact with the majority of my best friends. They don't know how many times suicide has crossed my mind and seemed like the better idea this year. They don't know how many nights I've cried myself asleep. They think they know so much about me. But I'm a person. And though I'd prefer to be a simple person, I'm very much complex. And I don't tell them everything because..families shouldn't know everything about each other. Just because I'm their child or sister doesn't give them the right to know everything about me. It's not even that I'm a bad kid, I just don't want everything about me to be known. There are thoughts and things that aren't meant for anyone to hear.
-sigh- If you read this, don't worry. I'm not depressed or whatever, I'm really not. It's just things like that bother me immensely. I just hate being misunderstood, that's all.

Doctor, doctor, give me some news.

Tonight while watching Young at Heart (which, for the record, is a brilliant movie that I definitely think you should see), my biggest fear about becoming a surgeon was confirmed once again. You see, I'm a sentimental person. I get attached to people, events, places, bands, fictional vampires..whatever, quite easily. Mainly people though. And I'm the type of person who cannot stand to see someone hurting, whether physical or emotional. And I've always known that, as a doctor, you cannot save everyone. People die and things happen. But. I cry over the deaths of people I don't even know when someone starts to talk about them. If they choke up, I'm done for. It breaks my heart. So, I guess there's always been a part of me that knows that being a doctor would definitely have its ups and downs. But. I don't honestly know if I'm a strong enough person to handle death on a daily basis. There's only so much a sentimental heart can take, you know? But, I guess the part of me that has always pushed towards the medical field is the part that knows there are some people I can save. That some lives can be fixed and that maybe the good will outweigh the bad. I mean, I cry when I watch characters on TV shows die or read about ones in books. And. I'm not even the person who could have saved them. They're not even real! So, how in the world am I going to handle when some little kid with cancer comes to me and I can't save them? How do I live with myself knowing they died under my control? And. If you believe in God, then there's always the, You Have A Set Path and What's Going Happen Will Happen. But. Maybe that's why I have such faltering faith. What kind of God would take away such innocent lives? Who could allow some of the complete shit for humans walk the earth when some of the most amazing people I have EVER known are currently buried in the ground? When I was little, I always thought God was perfect and wonderful. But as I got older and realized how depressing the world can truly be, my faith in anything started to dwindle. I want to be strong enough to be a doctor. More than anything, I do. But if my heart is smashed when I watch a movie and one of my favorite character dies, how could I possibly handle looking into the eyes of a parent, sibling, lover, whomever, and tell them someone they care about more than anything else is no longer alive? How can anyone?