I need to vent.

I'm in a situation.
And it's a bit tricky.
And I have no idea how to handle it.
Because A) I don't even know if Person A is just kidding and B) I've never dealt with this scenario before.
Um, I don't know who I can explain this to.
Honestly, I'm so freaking confused at the moment.
Also.
I'm like, the most open minded person, ever.
Okay, not really, because some things I draw boundaries on.
Like age.
I don't care if one person is a few years older.
I have quite a few friends who are dating people aged 23-25ish.
And that doesn't bother me.
What does bother me, though, is when I, or anyone else my age for that matter, get hit on by some old guy.
Like older than my daddy, freaking me the fuck out old.
It's just so creepy.
I can't deal with it.
But then the issue of me being too nice often gets in the way of me yelling at said creepy person.
Though, I really, REALLY would love to yell at them.
I mean, srsly.
What if they have kids my age?
That. Is. Disturbing.
And, okay, some people are all, "Oh, but you're eighteen now, so it doesn't matter any more. It's legal.."
That is the worst fucking excuse I've EVER heard of.
Just. Ugh.

And the scenario I was being abnormally vague about at the beginning has absolutely NOTHING to do with age, hah.
I do not have some weird crush on some old creeper.
Not at ALL.
Ugh, I'm weird, but fucking Christ.
I'm not that messed up.
It's just..a really complicated thing.
Or, it's really not.
The situation itself is nothing complicated.
But the situations STEMMED from the scenario can be quite messed up.
And I don't know how to weave through all the delicate webs it will create.
I have no idea how to handle the situation.
I'm going to disappoint someone either way.
Granted, I don't think it's anything worth getting upset over.
But..it has a lot to do with WHERE I live/where I was raised.
And the people I grew up around.
I feel like a jerk.
Because I don't feel like it's wrong, but I know it's something kinda controversial.
And, just ugh.
I'll find someone to explain it to.
Because if you really don't know me, then you won't get it.
And I just can't be bothered trying to explain.
Especially on here.
Considering I don't even think anyone reads this, hah.
Or, if anyone does, I don't know they do.

Bahhhh, no me gusta.
Doesn't help that I read an old message from May.
During a very BAD time in my life.
And just.
I think I need to like, walk or something.
I'm thinking too much.

Solitary moment.

This solitary moment makes me want to come back home.
It's not that I'm not having fun here, or that I'm not enjoying NOLA.
I am.
I really, really am.
But at the same time.
I really freaking miss my family and friends.
Like, hardcore miss them.
I've never been separated like this in my entire life.
Definitely not something you get used to super fast.
Unless you like, hate your family or friends, or whatever.
Which is so not the case for me.
Because I miss them.

I want my best friends.
I need my best friends.
<.3

Seriously.

I miss my friends.
I miss my family.
I miss my pets.
I miss football season.
I miss hugs.
I miss the beach.
I miss my bed.
I miss conversations with Courtney.
I miss going to the movies.
I miss the comfort.
I miss a paycheck every week.
(Once a month here. It blows.)

:(

National Type Out Your Thoughts Day.

Hmm, what's on my mind.
Well, here we go.
(in no order, mind you.)

-I really do not like packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking. It gets so tedious. And every time I unpack it seems there's another reason for me to pack up on the way. College, hurricanes, home, college.. It's getting crazy and I sincerely do not appreciate having to do it so many times.
-That being said, I miss my Gulf Shores friends. I think it's a lot harder this time because I had just started to get used to the idea of not having them around constantly, and despite the fact that it wasn't exactly a pleasant thought, it was better than it is now. I spent time with them this week and saying goodbye this time was way harder. Even if it didn't seem like I was upset or whatever, I really was. I miss them. Badly.
-My dog ran away while I was home. Harley. She was missing for four days and then, after my family had dropped me off at Loyola and made it home, she was in our front yard. I was really happy to know that she was found again, but definitely bummed that I didn't get to see her before I left.
-We're getting a new dog, too. His name is Blackie and he's a big 70-80lb dog. And he apparently doesn't like cats, but does like giving kisses and chasing horses in a completely harmless way. I didn't even get to see him, either.
-Speaking of not being able to get to see people, I didn't get to see Bree before I left, which was a definite bummer considering she's one of my dearest friends, ever, and I really wanted to see her. I almost wish I wouldn't have gone to the football game Friday, but then I wouldn't have seen Sam or Gen or everybody else there, and that would have sucked too. I can't ever seem to win in the friend department. I always feel like I have to choose one person over another for this reason or that reason. And I don't think it's fair. Because then some people get offended when I don't consider them my ONE best friend. But in all honesty? I don't really have one best friend. One best guy friend, sure, but not one best friend in general. And, the fact is, I don't even fully trust some of my best friends because, as much as I love them, they're very two-faced and it's hard to trust someone when you've seen them talking behind someone's back. I just..I dunno. It's hard to explain without coming off as a bitch, which isn't my intention at all.
-Okay, so. My roommate is kinda weird. I mean, she's nice enough. But. She's so..awkward, really. Like. The kind of person who makes jokes that really aren't funny and drags out stories to the point that you have idea what they're talking about anymore. That kinda thing. And she isn't social, at all. She has this boyfriend that she's been dating for nearly two years and always talks about him. Okay, not always, but ya know. I'm pretty sure thinks she's way prettier than she is, too. I'm not saying she's ugly, she's just more or less average looking. And when she was talking about going to her job tonight, she said she was so glad she found pants to wear because she thought the only bottoms she had left to wear was a mini skirt and walking down NOLA at night in a mini skirt just isn't smart and she gets weird looks when she walks down the street during the day so she can't even imagine what it would be like at night. That's how she talks, too, I swear. Overall, we get along fine, but she's not best friend material. I prefer my redheaded boys and eclectic girls.
-These dorm rooms are freaking cold. Like. I don't know what to do with myself because I can't just fix coldness, cold.
-So, I'm kinda lonely at Loyola. I've made friends and all, because I like to talk and socialize, so that's not the problem. It's just I don't know that I've particularly clicked with one group, ya know? Like. In high school, I had the group of friends that I had grown up. I had my band kids. I had the ones I met via CLC, hah. And, I mean, I pretty much got along with most people. It was never an issue. And you knew everyone, really. Not -knew- everyone, but at least pretty much knew of everyone. And here, I -know- Millie, Ashley, and Bree. And that's not to say we hang out, hah. Because they're partiers and I'm really just not. I prefer one-on-one hanging out with people. I feel like I would have met more people if I would have done something in music. Because my game losing trumpet player friend from Rhode Island (ha, not Gulf Shores. I know it sounds like Sam. But, seriously, they're very similiar.) that I had talked to prior to coming to Loyola..well, we don't really talk. At all. Because I don't ever see him considering he has all music classes and I have all pre-med classes in the ugly submarine building. I guess it'll all work out in time.
-I think my English teacher is great. He reminds me of an older Dixon. XD
-Gah, I just really wish everything would be just peachy and work out. In life in general. Not just for me, but for my family as well. It's just so...shitty right now. It doesn't seem fair. Not that I think life is fair. But, still.

Every fucking song.

What bothers me more than most things.
Is when I hear so many songs and I only think of one person.
I hate letting someone take over my thoughts like that.

I'm too tired to pretend that it doesn't hurt to be left out.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

If there's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that nothing is certain. There is no such thing as a certain future. Because just when you think things are going to go one way, they do a complete 360 and you find yourself facing the direction from which you just came from. Like, everything you had done up to that point was useless. Void. And it's heartbreaking. When you work so hard for something, someone just to have your plans blow up in your face. This year I've been through more shit than I ever have before. And I don't just mean with your typical teen angst. I mean, fear of losing the place I live, everything I knew, and having no idea how in the hell I was going to get out of the place I was stuck. I tried so hard to reach out to my closest friends in some desperate cry for help, but because I was so scared, so ashamed of what was happening, I ended up making things between friends awkward. And it was awful. The worst, lowest point in my life and I had never felt more alone. More like everyone was turning against me. I was convinced my best friends couldn't stand me anymore. And, to some extent, they really couldn't stand me as much as they had before. Too much. Too..clingy, I think. But. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know who else to cry to. My family was in the same situation as me. You can't seek help from those who have the same problems as you. Comfort, maybe. Solace, maybe. Help? No. Not at all. It just reminds you of everything you are going through. And makes you feel shitty for complaining when the people around you are going through the same, if not harder, thing as you. It's a humbling experience. Losing, or very nearly losing, everything you know. It hurts. But, I've learned my lessons since. All of my friendship issues of the past months have been resolved (thank goodness. I'd be a mess without them. I truly would.) and I've learned who I can depend on more than anyone in my life. I've had a brand new start in a brand new city at a brand new school. I've met people who have already make my move worthwhile. Friendships that have started that rival friendships home. Though, seriously, my best friends in Gulf Shores will remain my best friends in Gulf Shores. I just have some new, amazing friends in New Orleans. The diversity is refreshing. It's amazing to see how many different people thrive in one city compared to the same old same old that I grew up with. You meet people you never would have talked to before college. And find that you really enjoy their company. You meet people that would have immiediately been your friends in high school that test your every nerve in college. I can't say what makes the change. Maybe it's the unadultered freedom. Being able to do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want. Though, if I'm being honest, that's a bit scary, too. Not having someone there to remind you that, "Hey! The oven's hot, so don't touch it!" is a new experience, to say the least. Your entire life, your every fiber of who you are, who you thought you were, are tested. It's like going from catepillar to butterfly overnight. Things change. And change, whether you like it or not, is inevitable. So, embrace the change that comes your way. So maybe it will change your life. Let it. Maybe it's for the best. And if it's not? More change is coming, anyways. This year has been a hell of a ride. And despite the gutwrenching turns and the late night spent worrying and fretting over things I couldn't help anyways, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've learned more lessons. Made more friends. Learned what the meaning of trust is, and lost trust from people who I thought my world could revolve around. This year has made me more who I am than anything else had before. And if you don't like me? I'm learning that it's not so bad. That not everyone has to like me. I'm through of being everything for everyone. Sure, I've said that before, but this time it's holding true. I'm tearing down my rearview mirror and never looking back at what has happened. What I cannot change is much different than who I can change. I live my life now. And I couldn't be happier.